Meow

Lady on the subway today wearing tie dye shorts, sports bra top, Teva sandals, fanny pack, and a button that said "My significant other goes 'meow.'" Yeah, no kidding.

Winning at life

This was about 1pm on a Saturday. Dudes already had a rough day.

Who begat Jebediah again?

Really, reading the bible on the L? Complete with highlighted passages? Forget any hipster cred you have accrued, buddy, you are gonna have to start from scratch now. Unless this is some sort of performance art? OMG, this guy is a genius.

P.S. I know I'm going to hell already... this blog just seals the deal.

Labor Day

I'm gonna go ahead and say that the NYC subway system is pretty much the last place on earth you'd want to give birth if you are pregnant. Sucks for this lady. Although, it sounds like she was already in labor when she decide to take the subway back to Brooklyn, so she was sorta asking for it. Just proves what I have always said: the stupidest people on earth can be found in 2 places - the subway and the airport. Bet she'd fly at 8 1/2 months pregnant too.

(thanks to Heather Kleinert for sending this one in)

Sit with your legs wider whydoncha

jerk

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8

FML Path

apparently someone over at the MTA has a sense of humor....who knew?

p.s. - for those who haven't heard, the MTA has officially merged the V train with the M. The M will run, as always, from Queens through Williamsburg, Brooklyn, into Lower Manhattan, but at its first Manhattan stop (Essex St) it will take over the V’s route and travel north to the Forest Hills-71st Avenue stop in Queens (meaning M train service in Lower Manhattan / southern Brooklyn is now eliminated).

It's the L train

...not the VPL train.

Rate my mullet

OK, you all remember the mullet craze of the early aughts right? This was the beginning of the hipster craze of appropriation of traditionally redneck styles and interests, such as PBR, trucker hats, 80's metal, belt buckles, etc... Happily for this Mexican dude, this particular trend seems to have faded away, so no one can accuse him of being ironic for rocking this uber-mullet on the L anymore.

This summer's strategy to get laid

Step 1:
Buy Foucault book

Step 2:
Read on the L train

Step 3:
Sit back and wait

XYZ

This was a little bit closer to this trouser snake than our correspondent Katie wanted to be. Poor Katie, all the way from the Grand Ave. L to Manhattan with only this to look at.

Guerrilla Subway Etiquette posters

According to jayshells, an artist who polled people on their biggest subway pet peeves, the top 10 include: nail clipping, religion, noise pollution, physical contact, hygiene, disregard of seating priority, garbage disposal (or lack thereof), eating, subway stair etiquette, and... he only listed 9 for some reason? anyway, jayshells made posters to correspond with each annoyance and put them up in subway stations around the city, so make sure to keep an out. I'm hoping to snag a 'nail clipping' one for myself.

Via Gothamist

Pet peeve #1902950960: strollers on the subway

Babies! They're everywhere! In your row on the airplane, at your table at Pete's Candy Store, and inevitably taking up too much space in strollers on the subway. Which, by the way, is against the rules, but is seemingly one of those rules that no one obeys, because no one ever wants to yell at a mom. But I mean, come on, this kid is like 5 years old! He barely even fits in that thing. I had to do a double take because at first I thought maybe he was like a baby with gigantism. But nope, totally normal 5 year old, in a stroller, on a crowded train. Annoying, and weird for sure, but I bet that kid gets anything he wants. Teach me, oh spoiled one!

Can I make fun of a kid for wearing crocs? No? Sigh, OK fine, won't go there.

Deep Thoughts

Why, oh why, do men use hair gel if they're balding? I really don't understand. I mean, I suppose that they think, "hey, I'm tall, its not that anyone is going to see the top of my head anyway, let's put some Dep up in that shit." Except that, since chivalry is obviously dead and you decided that you needed that seat more than I did even though I got on the train ahead of you, all I'm going to have to look at all the way from Wall Street to Union Square, is the top of your head. And I had a whole ten minutes to ponder your choice of hair products and why you would choose such a thing. And unfortunately for you, I also took your picture and posted it on my blog where I bitch about such things.

Dick tales

Thanks to my friend Kendall whose blog I stole this from:

Look at this guy! Sitting like that on the subway takes some seriously big balls!

No, for reals dude. Clearly he has elephantiasis of the nuts. His scrote must be the size of melons if he has to perch with his legs flung so carelessly about on a packed train bench. Oh, the poor bunny! It’s surely terrible being afflicted with a condition that forces you to behave like a totally imposing asshole in cramped public areas! Does he also have to walk like he just got off a very large horse? How embarrassing! It’s like that joke, you know? Where you call the bowling alley and ask the owner if he has 8 pound balls? And then he says he does have 8 pound balls? And then you’re all “well how do you find pants that fit?!” You know that joke? It was like that. If I wanted to hit on him, I could have used this as a pick-up line: “Did your daddy work at a bowling alley? Because your 8 pound balls ‘bowl’ me over!” BLAMMO!

I totally kept “accidentally” flicking Diet Coke on him with my Big Gulp straw. See how clenched my little fingers are? That’s how much this guy was pissing me off.

In other subway news, greasers are alive and well in NYC (in case you were wondering). They’re kind of ragged around the edges these days – one particular lady’s Bettie bangs needed tidying and her eyeliner was slightly askew – but, you know, we’re all getting old so it only figures the same style we’ve been rocking since high school will start to look a little worse for wear. I really wanted to get a picture of these rockabilly “kids,” but I couldn’t because some really cool guy with Pac-Man ghosts tattooed on his knuckles was standing right in front of them…

…then the Pac-Man ghosts knuckle tattoo man turned towards me, and that’s when I saw it: the entire crotch of his jeans was completely blown out as if his dick had fucking exploded or leaked some sort of pant-eating demon acid. Holy shit. Oh my god I tried so hard to take a picture of THAT too, but he definitely saw my face light up when I noticed the gaping, frayed hole and he got all embarrassed. Then I got embarrassed for staring at this guy’s unfortunate wang area and came down with an uncontrollable case of the church giggles, which only added to the embarrassment, which made it impossible to stop giggling, and, well…it turned into a bit of a scene.

So I didn’t get a photo of the exploding penis.

Blog Love!

Check out this tumblr, Asleep on the Subway... losers sleeping on the subway! With witty captions!

Its the end of the world as we know it...

This guy in the Grand Central subway station says "Judgment Day" is "comin" via a giant earthquake on May 21, 2011. Are those fliers inviting me to some wicked Kool-Aid party? Sweet, only a year left, I'm gonna cash out my Roth IRA and kick it cult-style with you guys till the big day.

No shirt, no service

"Ima just gonna sit here, eat my sandwich, pretend there's no naked dudes on my right, NO BIG DEAL."

Excuse me, baldy, but I think you dropped something?

Whenever someone drops something on the subway, especially while walking through the station, it's always interesting to watch just how many people keep going on about their business and don't even stop to let said person know they've dropped their glove/scarf/hat/whatever.  Every once in a while there will be one person who feels compelled to point out the forsaken item to its oblivious owner. But, most of the time, there seems to be a general diffusion of responsibility, where everyone is waiting around for the other guy to say something and then no one does.

My nerdy side has therefore determined there is a strong positive correlation (r =.8+) between the more normal of an object dropped to the likelihood someone will point it out to them (if my high school Statistics AP class memory serves me right, the formula would be something like Correlation(r) = [ NΣXY - (ΣX)(ΣY) / Sqrt([NΣX² - (ΣX)²][NΣY² - (ΣY)²])] - but I'm just going from memory here, obvs).

Anyway, turns out this item:

would be given a value of about r =.00001 in the above formula, as not one person was willing to return it to its rightful owner. Jerks. But then again, do you really blame them? "Excuse me, ma'am, but I think you dropped your...weave? jessica simpson clip on hair? Balding cap? Pet?"

Yeah, fair enough....I probably wouldn't have said anything either.

(ps. thank you to Ian for sending in this photo.)

On a serious note...

The MTA is considering cutting service and eliminating some routes altogether, while also laying off station agents and ending reduced fare student metrocards, in order to close an $800 million budget gap.

While I respect that we don't have to pay as much for mass transit as they do in other cities, such as London, I think we can all agree that the quality of life will suffer for all New Yorkers, not just myself who has to endure a daily commute on the L train, the most overcrowded line in the system. Worse service for the same amount of money? I already have subway rage, why do you think I started this blog? I don't think you wanna see what I'll do if this actually happens.

Let's clean up this mess MTA... we're all tired of dealing with your garbage.

Chasing Tail

 

Excuse me, but I believe pets need to be kept in kennels in order to ride the subway, no?

So You Think You Can Swipe?

Apparently, the MTA is in talks with the A&E about airing a reality show that gives an inside look at the NYC Subway system. GREAT! Just what we need - more encouragement for people to act like idiots on the subway in hopes of grabbing 15 minutes of cable television fame! Although, I am somewhat curious to know what delays due to "train traffic" actually refer to, because all I've been able to gather over the past 10 years is that train delays are usually due to rain or sick people....and that just doesn't add up, because my train is ALWAYS delayed.

Special Edition: I Hate the Airport

Like I've always said, the highest concentration of stupid people can be found on the subway and at the airport. Both are swarming with members of the general population just ready, willing, and able to annoy you given the slightest opportunity.

One of my major gripes about subway riders tends to be about men who have to sit with their legs spread W--I--D--E open, essentially taking up 2 seats worth of space. I want to tap them on the shoulder and say "That sucks, I'm sorry about your penis." AKA "Let's be honest, no one actually thinks your junk is that big that you have to keep your legs that far apart. In fact, you sitting that way indicates you are probably trying to overcompensate for a lack of something or another down there."

Anyway, as luck would have it, I found an above type violator at the airport this weekend. Just when i thought I could escape this subway annoyance by leaving town for the weekend, one of these guys had to go and follow me to the airport.

 

And this was him scooted over a bit after he almost spilled my coffee everywhere! Look at how far over his foot is into MY AREA (the silver bar is where his chair technically ends). And, in case you were wondering, yes, he was a homie and yes, he was wearing a doo rag. Why is it that the wide-open-leg offenders always have doo rags on? you can't just be annoying and take up my space? you have to wear an ugly sweat-collecting cap while doing it too?

Funny, this doesn't look like the G train...

That's cool, MTA, I mean, myself and the other 2 million people living in Brooklyn don't really need the G train. Sure, ok we pay almost $100 a month but we're content to wait out in the cold to shove onto a little bus that takes like four times as long cause you wanna, like, "perform maintenance" or whatever. NO BIG DEAL!

You laugh at me 'cause I'm different, but I laugh at you 'cause you're all the same

"Yeah, whatever, I wear a novelty joker hat, JNCO jeans cut off at the bottom, and play Playstation on the subway. So what if I'm a 30 year old virgin living with my parents? I'm an individual. You can't take that away from me. Oh shit that's my stop I'm late for my D&D game."

The Third Nail

 

i hate subway groomers. what is it about public transportation that makes people want to file, clip, brush and/or paint themselves? i don't need to dodge your dirty nail clippings on top of trying to tactfully hold on to the pole with one finger (you fellow germaphobes out there know what I'm talking about) while avoiding the two guys doing dance moves for nickels and the passive-aggressive chick shoving her purse into my back instead of just stepping into the middle of the train.  Although, I kinda feel bad for this little guy. Thinking back to high school and all those over-achieving Asian kids and their 5.0 GPAS, I can't help but wonder if the only personal time his parents give him free from studying is on the train to/from school....and the poor guy has to waste it clipping his finger nails when he should be reading comic books or whatever it is non-Asian 11 year old boys are into these days.

Lost and Found

1994 called and was wondering if we'd seen a skull-printed messenger bag that has gone missing.

FOUND, this morning, taking my seat on the J train. Tired, old accessories need seats on the train more than I do, so I didn't bother making him move it. Not to mention getting this close was about as much as I could stomach anyway.

Happy Monday!

 

Monday morning, dead of winter, coming off a 72 hour drinking binge and late to work...you know what i really want to hear right now: BONGO DRUMS! that's cool, i don't mind as long as you will at least drum to the beat of the pounding inside my head? thanks, buddy.

A motivational speaker

You know what is one of the most annoying things you have to deal with on the subway? People who like to proselytize. This guy fancied himself a "motivational speaker." Well, guess what idiot, the only thing you motivated me to do was to attempt to trip you as you made your way to "motivate" the next car. BTW, if your regular gig is the subway I'm not sure you're quite "motivational" to make it to the next logical step: the Learning Annex.

Isn't it ironic, don't you think...

It's like rai-ee-aiiiin on your wedding day

It's a animal toting lady wearing boots made out of KITTENS AND PUPPIES.

Sleepers

You know when you used to go on road trips with your parents, and your little brother would fall asleep in the seat next to you with his mouth open and you would always stick shit in there, like year old McDonald's french fries that you found under your seat? I had to fight the urge to do that to this guy.

It wasn't snowing today, but...

I was forced to stand over a girl yesterday with some of the worst dandruff I have ever seen. I mean it was like someone took some of that Kraft "parmesean" cheese that you're not really sure is real cheese and shook it all over her head. Gross. And then, to top it off, I saw her SCRATCH IT.

Catcher in the Rye

I saw TWO, that's right, TWO different people reading Catcher in the Rye on the train this morning. Poseurs.