Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Special Edition: I Hate the Airport

Like I've always said, the highest concentration of stupid people can be found on the subway and at the airport. Both are swarming with members of the general population just ready, willing, and able to annoy you given the slightest opportunity.

One of my major gripes about subway riders tends to be about men who have to sit with their legs spread W--I--D--E open, essentially taking up 2 seats worth of space. I want to tap them on the shoulder and say "That sucks, I'm sorry about your penis." AKA "Let's be honest, no one actually thinks your junk is that big that you have to keep your legs that far apart. In fact, you sitting that way indicates you are probably trying to overcompensate for a lack of something or another down there."

Anyway, as luck would have it, I found an above type violator at the airport this weekend. Just when i thought I could escape this subway annoyance by leaving town for the weekend, one of these guys had to go and follow me to the airport.


And this was him scooted over a bit after he almost spilled my coffee everywhere! Look at how far over his foot is into MY AREA (the silver bar is where his chair technically ends). And, in case you were wondering, yes, he was a homie and yes, he was wearing a doo rag. Why is it that the wide-open-leg offenders always have doo rags on? you can't just be annoying and take up my space? you have to wear an ugly sweat-collecting cap while doing it too?

Monday, February 22, 2010

Funny, this doesn't look like the G train...


That's cool, MTA, I mean, myself and the other 2 million people living in Brooklyn don't really need the G train. Sure, ok we pay almost $100 a month but we're content to wait out in the cold to shove onto a little bus that takes like four times as long cause you wanna, like, "perform maintenance" or whatever. NO BIG DEAL!

Friday, February 19, 2010

You laugh at me 'cause I'm different, but I laugh at you 'cause you're all the same


"Yeah, whatever, I wear a novelty joker hat, JNCO jeans cut off at the bottom, and play Playstation on the subway. So what if I'm a 30 year old virgin living with my parents? I'm an individual. You can't take that away from me. Oh shit that's my stop I'm late for my D&D game."

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Third Nail

i hate subway groomers. what is it about public transportation that makes people want to file, clip, brush and/or paint themselves? i don't need to dodge your dirty nail clippings on top of trying to tactfully hold on to the pole with one finger (you fellow germaphobes out there know what I'm talking about) while avoiding the two guys doing dance moves for nickels and the passive-aggressive chick shoving her purse into my back instead of just stepping into the middle of the train.  Although, I kinda feel bad for this little guy. Thinking back to high school and all those over-achieving Asian kids and their 5.0 GPAS, I can't help but wonder if the only personal time his parents give him free from studying is on the train to/from school....and the poor guy has to waste it clipping his finger nails when he should be reading comic books or whatever it is non-Asian 11 year old boys are into these days.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Lost and Found

1994 called and was wondering if we'd seen a skull-printed messenger bag that has gone missing.

FOUND, this morning, taking my seat on the J train. Tired, old accessories need seats on the train more than I do, so I didn't bother making him move it. Not to mention getting this close was about as much as I could stomach anyway.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Happy Monday!

Monday morning, dead of winter, coming off a 72 hour drinking binge and late to work...you know what i really want to hear right now: BONGO DRUMS! that's cool, i don't mind as long as you will at least drum to the beat of the pounding inside my head? thanks, buddy.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

A motivational speaker

You know what is one of the most annoying things you have to deal with on the subway? People who like to proselytize. This guy fancied himself a "motivational speaker." Well, guess what idiot, the only thing you motivated me to do was to attempt to trip you as you made your way to "motivate" the next car. BTW, if your regular gig is the subway I'm not sure you're quite "motivational" to make it to the next logical step: the Learning Annex.

Isn't it ironic, don't you think...


It's like rai-ee-aiiiin on your wedding day

It's a animal toting lady wearing boots made out of KITTENS AND PUPPIES.

Friday, February 5, 2010


You know when you used to go on road trips with your parents, and your little brother would fall asleep in the seat next to you with his mouth open and you would always stick shit in there, like year old McDonald's french fries that you found under your seat? I had to fight the urge to do that to this guy.

It wasn't snowing today, but...

I was forced to stand over a girl yesterday with some of the worst dandruff I have ever seen. I mean it was like someone took some of that Kraft "parmesean" cheese that you're not really sure is real cheese and shook it all over her head. Gross. And then, to top it off, I saw her SCRATCH IT.

Catcher in the Rye


I saw TWO, that's right, TWO different people reading Catcher in the Rye on the train this morning. Poseurs.