Dick tales

Thanks to my friend Kendall whose blog I stole this from:

Look at this guy! Sitting like that on the subway takes some seriously big balls!

No, for reals dude. Clearly he has elephantiasis of the nuts. His scrote must be the size of melons if he has to perch with his legs flung so carelessly about on a packed train bench. Oh, the poor bunny! It’s surely terrible being afflicted with a condition that forces you to behave like a totally imposing asshole in cramped public areas! Does he also have to walk like he just got off a very large horse? How embarrassing! It’s like that joke, you know? Where you call the bowling alley and ask the owner if he has 8 pound balls? And then he says he does have 8 pound balls? And then you’re all “well how do you find pants that fit?!” You know that joke? It was like that. If I wanted to hit on him, I could have used this as a pick-up line: “Did your daddy work at a bowling alley? Because your 8 pound balls ‘bowl’ me over!” BLAMMO!

I totally kept “accidentally” flicking Diet Coke on him with my Big Gulp straw. See how clenched my little fingers are? That’s how much this guy was pissing me off.

In other subway news, greasers are alive and well in NYC (in case you were wondering). They’re kind of ragged around the edges these days – one particular lady’s Bettie bangs needed tidying and her eyeliner was slightly askew – but, you know, we’re all getting old so it only figures the same style we’ve been rocking since high school will start to look a little worse for wear. I really wanted to get a picture of these rockabilly “kids,” but I couldn’t because some really cool guy with Pac-Man ghosts tattooed on his knuckles was standing right in front of them…

…then the Pac-Man ghosts knuckle tattoo man turned towards me, and that’s when I saw it: the entire crotch of his jeans was completely blown out as if his dick had fucking exploded or leaked some sort of pant-eating demon acid. Holy shit. Oh my god I tried so hard to take a picture of THAT too, but he definitely saw my face light up when I noticed the gaping, frayed hole and he got all embarrassed. Then I got embarrassed for staring at this guy’s unfortunate wang area and came down with an uncontrollable case of the church giggles, which only added to the embarrassment, which made it impossible to stop giggling, and, well…it turned into a bit of a scene.

So I didn’t get a photo of the exploding penis.

Blog Love!

Check out this tumblr, Asleep on the Subway... losers sleeping on the subway! With witty captions!

Its the end of the world as we know it...

This guy in the Grand Central subway station says "Judgment Day" is "comin" via a giant earthquake on May 21, 2011. Are those fliers inviting me to some wicked Kool-Aid party? Sweet, only a year left, I'm gonna cash out my Roth IRA and kick it cult-style with you guys till the big day.

No shirt, no service

"Ima just gonna sit here, eat my sandwich, pretend there's no naked dudes on my right, NO BIG DEAL."

Excuse me, baldy, but I think you dropped something?

Whenever someone drops something on the subway, especially while walking through the station, it's always interesting to watch just how many people keep going on about their business and don't even stop to let said person know they've dropped their glove/scarf/hat/whatever.  Every once in a while there will be one person who feels compelled to point out the forsaken item to its oblivious owner. But, most of the time, there seems to be a general diffusion of responsibility, where everyone is waiting around for the other guy to say something and then no one does.

My nerdy side has therefore determined there is a strong positive correlation (r =.8+) between the more normal of an object dropped to the likelihood someone will point it out to them (if my high school Statistics AP class memory serves me right, the formula would be something like Correlation(r) = [ NΣXY - (ΣX)(ΣY) / Sqrt([NΣX² - (ΣX)²][NΣY² - (ΣY)²])] - but I'm just going from memory here, obvs).

Anyway, turns out this item:

would be given a value of about r =.00001 in the above formula, as not one person was willing to return it to its rightful owner. Jerks. But then again, do you really blame them? "Excuse me, ma'am, but I think you dropped your...weave? jessica simpson clip on hair? Balding cap? Pet?"

Yeah, fair enough....I probably wouldn't have said anything either.

(ps. thank you to Ian for sending in this photo.)

On a serious note...

The MTA is considering cutting service and eliminating some routes altogether, while also laying off station agents and ending reduced fare student metrocards, in order to close an $800 million budget gap.

While I respect that we don't have to pay as much for mass transit as they do in other cities, such as London, I think we can all agree that the quality of life will suffer for all New Yorkers, not just myself who has to endure a daily commute on the L train, the most overcrowded line in the system. Worse service for the same amount of money? I already have subway rage, why do you think I started this blog? I don't think you wanna see what I'll do if this actually happens.

Let's clean up this mess MTA... we're all tired of dealing with your garbage.

Chasing Tail

 

Excuse me, but I believe pets need to be kept in kennels in order to ride the subway, no?

So You Think You Can Swipe?

Apparently, the MTA is in talks with the A&E about airing a reality show that gives an inside look at the NYC Subway system. GREAT! Just what we need - more encouragement for people to act like idiots on the subway in hopes of grabbing 15 minutes of cable television fame! Although, I am somewhat curious to know what delays due to "train traffic" actually refer to, because all I've been able to gather over the past 10 years is that train delays are usually due to rain or sick people....and that just doesn't add up, because my train is ALWAYS delayed.