Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dick tales

Thanks to my friend Kendall whose blog I stole this from:

Look at this guy! Sitting like that on the subway takes some seriously big balls!

No, for reals dude. Clearly he has elephantiasis of the nuts. His scrote must be the size of melons if he has to perch with his legs flung so carelessly about on a packed train bench. Oh, the poor bunny! It’s surely terrible being afflicted with a condition that forces you to behave like a totally imposing asshole in cramped public areas! Does he also have to walk like he just got off a very large horse? How embarrassing! It’s like that joke, you know? Where you call the bowling alley and ask the owner if he has 8 pound balls? And then he says he does have 8 pound balls? And then you’re all “well how do you find pants that fit?!” You know that joke? It was like that. If I wanted to hit on him, I could have used this as a pick-up line: “Did your daddy work at a bowling alley? Because your 8 pound balls ‘bowl’ me over!” BLAMMO!

I totally kept “accidentally” flicking Diet Coke on him with my Big Gulp straw. See how clenched my little fingers are? That’s how much this guy was pissing me off.

In other subway news, greasers are alive and well in NYC (in case you were wondering). They’re kind of ragged around the edges these days – one particular lady’s Bettie bangs needed tidying and her eyeliner was slightly askew – but, you know, we’re all getting old so it only figures the same style we’ve been rocking since high school will start to look a little worse for wear. I really wanted to get a picture of these rockabilly “kids,” but I couldn’t because some really cool guy with Pac-Man ghosts tattooed on his knuckles was standing right in front of them…

…then the Pac-Man ghosts knuckle tattoo man turned towards me, and that’s when I saw it: the entire crotch of his jeans was completely blown out as if his dick had fucking exploded or leaked some sort of pant-eating demon acid. Holy shit. Oh my god I tried so hard to take a picture of THAT too, but he definitely saw my face light up when I noticed the gaping, frayed hole and he got all embarrassed. Then I got embarrassed for staring at this guy’s unfortunate wang area and came down with an uncontrollable case of the church giggles, which only added to the embarrassment, which made it impossible to stop giggling, and, well…it turned into a bit of a scene.

So I didn’t get a photo of the exploding penis.


  1. This is one of my biggest subway pet peeves of all time. I'm growling inside...

  2. i have to deal with this DAILY